


These Thoughts Are Keeping Me Up At Night

by kyo1



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Commander Erwin Smith, DILF Erwin Smith, Depressed Levi Ackerman, Gender-Neutral Hange Zoë, Hange Zoë & Levi Are Best Friends, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Levi Ackerman Has OCD, Levi Ackerman Needs a Hug, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Modern Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, OCD, Other, Sad Levi Ackerman’, Sad with a Happy Ending, Thats an official tag???, but just stratching, but only kinda, he is a dilf tho, idk how to tag, it actually doesnt really matter, levi deserves better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:07:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29823990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyo1/pseuds/kyo1
Summary: I have a hc that Levi suffers from OCD so i wrote about it :)~Levi’s OCD is keeping him up night and he’s losing control
Relationships: Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith, Levi Ackerman & Hange Zoë, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith, Levi Ackerman/Hange Zoë
Comments: 2
Kudos: 66





	These Thoughts Are Keeping Me Up At Night

**Author's Note:**

> Its been a while since I’ve posted, i changed my username ahaha so dw 
> 
> TW implied self harm !!!!!

  
  


Levi laid in bed, restless and anxious. His thoughts kept him awake, nightmares burning at the back of his eyes. It’s normal for him however, suffering with insomnia and the suffocating guilt of watching his friends die, he’s no stranger to sleepless nights.

This time however, his mind was itching at him to get up and clean. Cleaning is something Levi had always been very persistent about. Living in the underground meant little to no cleanliness and always staying slightly filthy no matter what you did. The air was stale and warm, and his clothes were never fully cleaned. 

As a result, when he grew older he became obsessive with keeping clean. Not only himself, but everything around him as well. He’d make sure all his clothes were nicely washed and his quarters was kept tidy and clean. He’d spend part of his free time, if not most, cleaning. Not that he minded, it almost felt relaxing at times. It helped him concentrate on the task at hand, and not let his thoughts drift to dark paths. 

This time though, his thoughts were bouncing between the heart clenching guilt of the past, and the obsessive need to clean, to  _ be  _ clean. 

He sighed, and with his mind made up, he got up and went to take a shower. Maybe that’s all he needed. Some nice warm water to wash away not only the barely existing grime on him (he always makes sure he’s clean), but also the thoughts clouding his mind. 

When he shut off the water, he knew it wasn’t enough. He got dressed in fresh new pajamas, and it still wasn’t enough. He replaced the sheets on his bed, and it still wasn’t enough. 

Knowing he won’t catch some sleep, he changed back into his normal daily clothes and started to clean around the room. He swept and swiped clean any surface and straightened anything that seemed out of order. 

Before he knew it, the morning bit into the once night sky, and he left his quarters to drink his morning tea. 

After the kettle finished, he poured the water and prepared the tea. He sat as he waited for his fellow squad to arrive as they woke up. Surprisingly enough, Hange came in first, unsurprisingly enough, Erwin was trailing behind them. 

“You smell like bleach” Hange commented as they got some coffee, sitting down next to Levi. 

“I was cleaning” Levi scoffed, rolling his eyes with little heat behind it. 

Hange snorted, because of course Levi was cleaning. “I like to think that bleach is your cologne” they teased. 

“Oi shut it shitty glasses” Levi retorted, Erwin chuckling softly. 

“Truthfully, the one who should be cleaning is you. Your quarters is more like a pigsty” Levi sneered, sipping at his tea. 

“Heyy, rude! Erwinnnn” Hange whined, Erwin shook his head in response. 

“Don’t bring me into this Hange” he said as he sat down next to them. 

The rest of the day went fairly well, except for the slight tremor of Levi’s hand, but he dealt well and nobody noticed. 

When he went back to his quarters, the same weird feeling from the previous night came back full force. It seemed that he had managed to push the thoughts to the back of his mind when he was around others, but when left to his own devices, his mind was screaming at him. 

Anxiety clawed at his throat, and suddenly nothing felt right. The clothes clinging his frame were too tight, too bright and too _ dirty _ . His eyes darted around his room, picking out every single mistake he left when cleaning last night. 

The corner of the floor at the left wasn’t swept correctly, he had missed a spot while wiping his nightstand, his shoes left a few specs of dried mud on the floor, part of his window was blurred with finger marks, the sheets weren’t on correctly, his jacket had a stain, the

He took a deep breath and clenched his fights, he closed his eyes tightly and counted to five. 

1

2

3

4

....

5 

He grabbed the broom to finish sweeping, he triple wiped his nightstand, he wiped the window clean multiple times, one never being enough, he replaced his bedding, he scrubbed his jacket clean. 

His hands were blistering, and his nose was tickling with the familiar burn of cleaning chemicals. Yet it wasn’t enough. 

This went on for multiple nights in a row. He couldn’t catch a break. 

His mind was screaming at him at how dirty he was, and not only him, but  _ everywhere _ . 

He couldn’t sleep, he felt like he could barely breathe with all the suffocating thoughts in his head.

Nobody seemed to notice, however. He pretended as if nothing out of the usual was happening. He blamed the redness of his eyes as lack of sleep, and although it’s partially true, part of the reason was the constant use of the cleaning products. 

His breathing was slightly labored, he blamed it one the cold, the real reason was the chemical inhalation. 

This just might be the death of him. 

~~

Something was wrong with Levi. Hange knew this. But they couldn’t place their finger on what exactly was wrong. Something was definitely off. 

Levi is no stranger having to odd behavior, but he was more skittish and wound up tight more than normal. The fact that there is a normal slightly blows Hanges mind, but Levi has always been off. 

Of course he was well respected, but anyone who hung out with him for perhaps just a few hours could definitely tell he wasn’t normal-

Normal...isn’t the word Hange would use. Hange is considered ‘not normal’ as well. Their painful fascination with experimenting on deadly titans and their obsession with learning about them was something other people strayed away from. Most people would rather want all the titans to die and just leave it at that. 

Now, it’s not that Hange wants all the titans to live....it’s just since they’re here, why not learn about them? 

So Hange, at least by other people’s thoughts, was weird. But they thought of it as a good way. But Levi’s weird, was not a good weird. 

It’s not a bad weird. It’s a weird weird. He’s not weird (he’d definitely smack Hange if he heard them say that), but he’s weird. At least that’s the only word they can think of. 

Strange behavior from Levi isn’t unheard of. In fact, they and Erwin have learned to not question it. 

But something is definitely off. And not in a good way. Hange has been paying a closer eye towards Levi since they noticed the odd behavior. At first they thought they were imagining things. But slowly, more evidence started to pile up. 

Enough to make Hange approach Erwin in concern. 

And although Hange had made these observations, Erwin was shocked at the claims, not noticing anything himself. But he agreed to pay a closer eye. 

And alas, both of them were now very suspicious on what was going on. 

Apparently they weren’t discreet about it because Mikasa approached them one night and asked why they were focusing on Levi so much. 

Hange dismissed Mikasa, throwing a feeble excuse. And although Mikasa eyed them suspiciously, she ended up turning her back and simply minding her business. And for this Hange was grateful, Levi wouldn’t want any unwarranted attention. 

“Something is wrong” Hange said bluntly, talking to Erwin late at night. “I can feel it Erwin. Something is bothering him”. 

“But what can we do? It’s not like he’ll tell us, much less let us help him. In fact, was if there’s nothing needed to be helped with? What if we’re just looking at it too deeply?” Erwin questioned as he sighed, skimming through some documents on his desk. 

“You damn well know something is off commander” Hange said slightly angry, but then sighed out apologetically. “I’m sorry, I just worry” they said as they adjusted their glasses. 

Erwin looked up at them and smiled softly. “I know Hange. But he probably won’t let us help” 

“But we can try” Hange deflated slightly as they leaned back on the chair. “Because come on, he’s been acting so weird ! And although Levi is weird, this is...this is more weird than the normal weird that is the weirdness of Levi!” they gestured wildly with their hands, accentuating their words. 

Erwin laughed softly at their childish tone. “Look, if it’ll make you feel better, we can-“ Erwin was interrupted by a soft thud. “Did you hear that?” he asked Hange. 

“Yeah..” Hange said as they got up from their seat. As they walked towards the door, another thud was heard, this time quieter.

“It sounds like it’s coming from Levi’s quarters. He has to be the only one awake at this hour” Erwin said as he eyed his clock. 

Hange motioned with their head towards the door. Erwin took the hint and got up from his seat, walking out of the room with Hange. 

~~

Two wipes, three wipes, four- it still wasn’t enough. He jumped in the shower and he scrubbed and scrubbed until his skin was burning red and it still wasn’t enough. He felt foreign inside of his own body. He scrubbed at his scalp violently, nails scrapping the surface. He wasn’t clean enough. He has to keep trying. 

He left the shower, the water since ran cold. In frustration, he grabbed the cleaning rag and chucked it against the wall, not hesitating to chuck the other one as well. And when that didn’t work to make him feel better, with aching arms he kept scrubbing at any spot of exposed skin. It was all too much all too fast. Yet not enough, at the same time. 

Frustrating was bubbling inside, close to overflowing. He bit his lip to muffle the scream that was close to ripping from within his throat. 

And for the first time in years. Levi Ackerman cried. 

It wasn’t loud, as most people would expect. It wasn’t screamed out sobs, the one that would leave your throat aching. It was a soft cry, yet one evident enough to show his years worth of pain and frustration. 

He heard a soft knock on his door, and the rattle of the doorknob. He didn’t bother answering, hoping whoever was behind the door would just leave him and bother him tomorrow. 

What he didn’t expect was for the door to open, he was sure he locked it. 

He looked up only to be met with Erwin and Hanges shocked eyes. 

He turned his eyes to the ground in shame. He must’ve looked like a mess, and he would never let anyone see him in such a state. He felt exposed sitting in front of their scrutinizing gaze. 

“Levi...what...what are you...what’s going on?” Hange asked softly as they kneeled down in front of Levi’s hunched form on the bed, noticing the red angry marks across his exposed arms and neck. 

Erwin closed the door and stood behind Hange, also eyeing Levi in concern. 

When Levi didn’t give an answer, Hange proceeded to place their hand on Levi’s knee. But Levi flinched back violently and quickly. 

“D-Don’t touch me” He whispered brokenly, voice shaky from holding in more tears. He couldn’t handle his own body, imagine somebody else’s ?

“Levi? Are you okay?” Erwin asked. He looked around the quarters but saw nothing out of the ordinary, par from the two rags on the floor of course. He walked towards the window to open it to let some fresh air in, he only got to touch the handle before Levi interrupted him. 

“No!” He said loudly as he got up. “Don’t touch it” he stalked towards the window and with a clean new rag, wiped it down. 

“Levi-

“It has to be clean. Everything. Don’t-Don’t touch anything” Levi muttered and started to wipe down again his shelves. 

Erwin and Hange shared a look, and then went back to Levi, watching him aggressively scrubbing. 

“Levi what’s been going on? You’ve been acting so different lately...” Erwin trailed off as he continued to watch Levi clean. 

Levi threw the wipe on the ground and brought his palms to his eyes , squeezing them trying to hide the tears. In this state he looked more like a child throwing a tantrum. But everyone in the room knew that something more was going on. 

“Please just tell us what’s going on” Hange stepped in front of Levi, stopping short from touching arm, remembering how Levi reacted to touch last time. 

“Idontknow” Levi mumbled quickly and softly. 

“What? I couldn’t hear you” Hange replied in a soft voice. 

“I don’t know!” Levi said louder, voice evident with frustration. “I just-“ Levi cut himself off as he bent his knees and let himself sit on his feet.

Hange quickly followed him and sat down on the floor, eyeing Erwin with panicked eyes because Levi was never like this. 

“It’s not enough” Levi said between sobs, gripping at his hair and tugging in frustration. 

“Hey-Levi stop, you’re going to hurt yourself” Hange said. 

When Levi didn’t budge, an idea popped in their head. They walked towards Levi's nightstand, and with a cleaning cloth that they picked up from the floor, they opened the drawer and took out a pair of gloves, knowing that Levi would always have some there. 

They put on the gloves and approached Levi, crouching down in front of him. They cautiously brought their hands close to Levi’s, and when he didn’t flinch away, they grabbed his hands and pulled them away from his hair. 

Hange brought his hands close to their face for inspection and noticed all the painful looking blisters on them. 

“Levi , breathe with me okay? Follow my breaths” Hange said, exaggerating their breathing so Levi could follow. After a few coughs and small sobs, Levi managed to steady his breathing. 

Erwin followed what Hange did and put on some gloves, he then crouched down a little behind Hange, wanting to let Levi have some space. 

“Your arms...” Hange trailed off as they passed their gloved hands on top of his scratches. Apologizing when Levi winced softly. 

“Talk to us Levi. You can trust us” Hange gave him a reassuring smile. “Tell us what’s been going on. We’ve noticed the way you’ve been acting and we are...concerned i guess” Erwin finished off for Hange. 

“How about you sit on your bed alright?” Hange said as they stood up and pulled Levi up by his arms. Slowly guiding him towards the bed. 

“Can i sit?” Hange asked, gesturing at the space beside Levi. And at Levi’s hesitant nod, they said next to him and grabbed his hand in reassurance. 

The three of them sat in silence. Both Erwin and Hange waiting patiently until Levi was ready to talk. 

Levi took a deep breath and started. “When i lived in the underground when i was younger, nothing was clean. You were lucky if you could wash your clothes after three days of use. Bathing was something that you couldn’t do often...” Levi said. 

Hange nodded , signaling at Levi to continue. 

“I became obsessed with trying to get clean i suppose. When i grew up and got to leave that horrible place, all i wanted was to start new. At first it was a need but then it quickly escalated. I found myself doing routines and things that I wouldn’t normally do, i found myself thinking thoughts i normally wouldn’t think of” Levi sighed, sniffling softly.

“And i uh learned to deal with the constant thoughts. But lately they’ve been so loud and everything is just so dirty and i just-“ Levi bit his lip to prevent a sob. Hange rubbing soft circles on his back for comfort.

“Have you heard of OCD Levi?” Hange asked, shifting their body to face Levi.

When Levi shook his head as a no, Hange continued. “OCD, by definition, is a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations ,obsessions,that make them feel driven to do something repetitively, compulsions. Now, i cant diagnose you myself of course, but judging your behavior and what you’ve told us, i think there’s a large chance you may have it” Hange concluded.

“Would you like to talk to the therapist we have here?” Erwin asked cautiously, knowing that Levi doesnt always react too well when people offer him any type of help.

“I’m just tired” Levi whispered. 

“Catch some sleep okay? You look like you need it” Hange said with a small frown.

“I cant” Levi whined pitifully, hanging his head low.

“Why?” Erwin asked as his eyebrows furrowed in concern.

Levi sighed “The thoughts keep me awake. Its like i  _ need _ to do what they tell me” he said.

“Before i forget and before you go to sleep, can i check your arms? They look badly scratched and i dont want them to bother you while you try and sleep” hange said sympathetically.

Levi nodded and Erwin got up to get a first aid kit. When he arrived back, Hange opened it up and applied some of the ointment to Levis arms soothingly. Slightly happy that they didn’t have to use any bandages.

After that, Levi looked pretty much dead, so Hange gestured for him to lay his head on their lap.

“I’m not a child” Levi scoffed in annoyance.

“Just get over here” Hange smiled.

Levi muttered something unintelligible but it was obvious he was annoyed. He complied, however, and scooched over to lay his head on their lap.

Hange brought their gloved hands up to Levis temples and rubbed them in circles softly. Levi let out a soft hum of contentment, his shoulders sagging a bit in relief.

And with that, Hange started to whisper, rambling about how their day went and all the future experiments they want to try on titans. 

Erwin and Hange witnessed as Levi slowly let his eyes droop close, sending him off to sleep

“I told you he snores”

“Hange-”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I tagged Hange and Levi ,, and Erwin and Levi as relationships and friendships bc i never specify and yall can imagine whatever yall want :)


End file.
